When to grow a beard...

Beard growing, much like Japanese tea ceremonies, is a delicate and intricate process involved with multiple subtle layers and hidden undertones. OK its not that complicated, but there are some steps to follow, so lets cover the first step, the WHEN. 

When to grow a beard is perhaps one of the most difficult choices. Beards, much to my eternal dismay, do not pop up on your face over night. As awesome as that would be, the resulting baby boom 9 months later would cripple the world economy and food supplies and the environment, which is all important shit apparently. Meh, who knew. 

We like having sex but these baby things just keep coming. where do we put this one?
Throw it in the pile with the rest.

So if beards don't spring up on your face, how do they get there? They grow there, slowly. It takes about a month to get something resembling a decent beard, and 6 weeks to finally be able to say you have one. During this time, your face will be a patchwork of hair, since sadly it doesn't grow at the same time. Or in the same colour... Wait what??? 

That's right, beards are not the same as the hair on your head. Its actually a lot more like, well other hair, just less curly and less useful for putting into other people's soda glasses and making them choke and getting high-5's from the rest of your mates. Speaking for Caucasians, whom have the most variation of hair colours in the world, if your hair is blond, there is no guarantee that your beard will be blond too. My own beard has four colours in it, bright blonde over the chin and mustache, ginger in the sideburns, brown everywhere else and a few thick black hairs dotted around the place, whilst my hair is dark honey blonde, go figure  And yes, surprisingly with 10 gingers in my generation of my immediate family, even I did not escape the dreaded ginger gene.

It also doesn't grow at the same time. Some ethnic groups are kings at growing beards, I knew a guy who had a shave in the morning and was arrested by the CIA for being part of Al Khaeda in the afternoon, his beard-fu was that strong. Other ethnic groups do not have the ability to grow beards at all, just wispy mustaches. If only the world were all equal and made of moonbeams and buttercups. Speaking as a honky, we grow beards fairly well, but not the best, and certainly the most patchy due to the hair colouration issue I mentioned above. 

So what does this all have to do with the when you prattling tosser? 

Well in the 4-6 weeks that you are growing your beard, its going to look awful. Like Dennis Rodman awful. Yeah remember this asshole, you will feel like him. And your wonderful mates and coworkers, will make sure you know it. Each and every day. As often as possible. They will break open the seals on the ancient heretical documents known only as The Beard Jokes, and send those mother fuckers your way in all their crass lack of humour. If you are cool with murdering your friends and family, this entire post has been a waste of time, but we assume that you aren't a serial killer and want to live in society without hurting people so WHEN to grow a beard is a time in which you are away from others. In the second or third week of the beard growing experience, take a long holiday to a far eastern country, where everyone will think you look ridiculous anyways. 

Remember me? 

HOWEVER, FEAR NOT! For when you have done growing your beard, those who mocked you will pale in comparison to your overpowering facial effigy of testosterone. Don't give up, its well worth the wait!