When to grow a beard...

Beard growing, much like Japanese tea ceremonies, is a delicate and intricate process involved with multiple subtle layers and hidden undertones. OK its not that complicated, but there are some steps to follow, so lets cover the first step, the WHEN. 

When to grow a beard is perhaps one of the most difficult choices. Beards, much to my eternal dismay, do not pop up on your face over night. As awesome as that would be, the resulting baby boom 9 months later would cripple the world economy and food supplies and the environment, which is all important shit apparently. Meh, who knew. 

We like having sex but these baby things just keep coming. where do we put this one?
Throw it in the pile with the rest.

So if beards don't spring up on your face, how do they get there? They grow there, slowly. It takes about a month to get something resembling a decent beard, and 6 weeks to finally be able to say you have one. During this time, your face will be a patchwork of hair, since sadly it doesn't grow at the same time. Or in the same colour... Wait what??? 

That's right, beards are not the same as the hair on your head. Its actually a lot more like, well other hair, just less curly and less useful for putting into other people's soda glasses and making them choke and getting high-5's from the rest of your mates. Speaking for Caucasians, whom have the most variation of hair colours in the world, if your hair is blond, there is no guarantee that your beard will be blond too. My own beard has four colours in it, bright blonde over the chin and mustache, ginger in the sideburns, brown everywhere else and a few thick black hairs dotted around the place, whilst my hair is dark honey blonde, go figure  And yes, surprisingly with 10 gingers in my generation of my immediate family, even I did not escape the dreaded ginger gene.

It also doesn't grow at the same time. Some ethnic groups are kings at growing beards, I knew a guy who had a shave in the morning and was arrested by the CIA for being part of Al Khaeda in the afternoon, his beard-fu was that strong. Other ethnic groups do not have the ability to grow beards at all, just wispy mustaches. If only the world were all equal and made of moonbeams and buttercups. Speaking as a honky, we grow beards fairly well, but not the best, and certainly the most patchy due to the hair colouration issue I mentioned above. 

So what does this all have to do with the when you prattling tosser? 

Well in the 4-6 weeks that you are growing your beard, its going to look awful. Like Dennis Rodman awful. Yeah remember this asshole, you will feel like him. And your wonderful mates and coworkers, will make sure you know it. Each and every day. As often as possible. They will break open the seals on the ancient heretical documents known only as The Beard Jokes, and send those mother fuckers your way in all their crass lack of humour. If you are cool with murdering your friends and family, this entire post has been a waste of time, but we assume that you aren't a serial killer and want to live in society without hurting people so WHEN to grow a beard is a time in which you are away from others. In the second or third week of the beard growing experience, take a long holiday to a far eastern country, where everyone will think you look ridiculous anyways. 

Remember me? 

HOWEVER, FEAR NOT! For when you have done growing your beard, those who mocked you will pale in comparison to your overpowering facial effigy of testosterone. Don't give up, its well worth the wait! 

Different kinds of beards

So, you want to improve the awesomeness level of your face with a manly growth of beard. Step right up sir! What kind of beard do you want today?

Beards, among other things, drastically change the appearance of the shape of your face, and selecting the right beard type for your face is very important. Please note, I will cover this in the How section, but when growing any sort of beard or mustache, it is highly suggested that you grow a full beard first and shave away what you don't need from there, but more on this later.

So beards change the appearance of the shape of your face, right. So lets start off with what kind of face do you have. There are several kinds of face shape to have, and some are more suited to beards than others, although all men who truly want to be men should have beards. Its scientifically proven. But lets consult the chart below:

They all kind of look like pedophiles...

You should have some kind of idea what your own face shape is and can choose something accordingly. A good rule of thumb is that if your face has some kind of distinctive feature, your beard should do the opposite of that. So for example, if you have the inverted triangle face, you definately don't want a long chin beard, since it will accentuate that feature and make you look like a praying mantis. Remember female praying mantises get eat their mates after sex, NO NO NO. The size of your head is also important. I've seen too many muscled men walking around, chock full of roids, that have these tiny heads. Perfect candidate for a beard. A beard can make your head look bigger, which is awesome if you have a small head. Medium sized heads don't need to puff out so much, so maybe a more conservative beard would suit you better. Large heads, how here is the kicker. I have a large head and whilst reading up for this blog, discovered that most people suggested people with large heads go the full hog and have a full beard to make their head even bigger. It works, don't know why but if you struggle to find hats to fit you (like me, curses) then let that sucker grow. Another good example of this is someone who has a weak chin, that is their chin does not go beyond the boundaries of their face, the anti Bruce Campbell if you will. This is easily fixed with a beard as it gives false substance to your face and can give you what resembles a more regular chin line. On chin lines, if, like me, you suffer the after effects of an over sedantry life (i.e. you are a fat bastard) then a beard can do wonders for restoring the idea that there is a chin under all those rolls of fat and give you something of your intended face shape back. Please note though, that as manly men of manliness, we don't give a shit what others think, especially those she devil womenfolk, growing a beard is for you and you alone.

So now we have the shape and size of your head, what next? Well there are literally thousands of beard designs, even some bespoke ones that look utterly idiotic, like this numbskull below. 

Don't do that. Please. Ever. Thanks. Your beard is your personal choice, and if you really want to go for something like this above, then don't let anyone stop you. I might not like it, but I respect the determination at least. Anyways there are some generally accepted basic designs for beards, and you should follow, with some kick ass names, like the Lincoln after the wood cutting vampire slaying president of Murica. Here are some examples: 

All you need to do is chose one that you think will go well with your face (remember the opposite of what your face shape is) and go for it. More on the going for it later. And finally if you are not yet convinced on the epicness of beards, have a look at this chart scientifically proving that bearded men are more trustworthy and shaven men are devious. 

Beards: A history

Before you decide to grow a beard, lets have a look at the history of the beard... 

Beards are a biological marker in human beings that a person is mature and ready to create offspring. Terribly scientific but that's their sole function, and its why teenagers have spotty beards. If humans lived in the wild and a female had a choice between a barely bearded 14 year old and gorilla of a man in his 30's, she knows which of these dudes is more likely to pass on the best genes for her offspring. But, that is no longer applicable in our modern civilized world. 

Back in ancient Greece and other civilizations of the period, beards were considered a mark of wisdom and nobility (a throw back to prehistoric mating rituals?). In fact most ancient peoples were bearded, even the pharoahs had those fancy golden chin beards. It was the Romans who started us shaving! 

What have the Romans ever given us?

In the Roman world, a shaved chin free of whiskers was a mark of civilization and probably served to separate the Romans from the bearded barbarians to the North of their border. Lets face it, shaving is a horrible experience even today, can you imagine doing it back then with no Gillet razor or mirror? The Roman shave was a sign to others that you had enough money to pay someone else to do something trivial to you, and let them near your neck with a sharp knife. Gangsta boi! 

In the middle ages, we forgot everything that the Romans taught us (hyperbole for you history buffs, Jesus!) and men started being manly again. All throughout Europe beards flowed, high born and low, with a few old unfashionable geezers still trimming their whiskers. Didn't the medieval people ever watch The Lord of the Rings and see how cool a beard made Gandalf look?  I guess it didn't help that by the 1500's, some dudes discovered all those old Roman documents and had some kind of rebirth of enlightened ideas and people started shaving again (and wearing tights, see, its all evil!)

By the time we get to the period of enlightenment, people have abandoned all hope and wear silly powdered wigs and makeup. This is a dark time and we speak not of it. 

Lets jump to the 19th century and check out the rival of whiskers. Yes beards were back in fashion, especially in my native Africa where men walked around looking like this. Huzzar! 

Pip-pip tally ho old sporting fruit, Zulus over the hill and back for tea at 3, what! 

This was a time of awesomeness again, when men did manly things like charge cannon batteries on a hill through a valley and such nonsense I say old chap. It lasted for a while, but some douche decided that automation would be a good thing, and along with other mass made household items, cheap razors started to spread their insidious influence over the world, and beards lost there swag once more. 

And that is where we are today, probably a little worse off because of the whole terrorists having a beard thing. People focus on the beards but its actually the bombs strapped to their chests which make terrorists bad, people are so dumb! 

But fear not, because even though the beard in fashion has its peaks and troughs, we are but beasts in fancy clothes, and having a beard kicks in those natural instincts I told you about. Since growing my beard, I have to beat the women off with sticks, two sticks, flaming sticks, made of steel and teeth.

Ever wanted to grow a beard, or just read about how one does it and why? Then this blog is for you. I have a magnificent full beard and want to share my beardiness with the world. Ok that sounds lame, but this bad boy is going to be full of tips and tutorials for making your face a breeding ground for awesomeness.